A Change of Heart
by erikjavert24601
Summary: The Kiss, as it always does in phanphic, changes everything between Christine and Erik. But can she convince him that what she feels is love, not pity?


Author's note: Please don't judge too harshly. I wrote this as a freshman in high school and, were I to write the same story today, it would be much different. Somehow I feel that both Christine and Erik are MUCH more complex than I have given them credit for here ;-) At any rate, I thought I should at least put it out there, so maybe you can enjoy it and it can do more than just sit in my Documents Folder.

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_Pitiful Creature of darkness,_

_What kind of life have you known?_

_God give me courage to show you_

_You are not alone!_

And with that my lips met his. I put as much passion as I could into the kiss, which was quite a lot, for I am quite an accomplished actress, after all. And that's all it was, acting. The kiss was a bribe, one kiss with Erik in exchange for Raoul's and my freedom.

But suddenly it all changed. Suddenly I was no longer acting, and the kiss was no longer a bribe. It became something real and true that made me realize that, even if he let me go with Raoul to the world above, I did not want to leave this man, who inspired my voice and lifted me to the heavens and beyond upon his own angelic instrument on a regular basis.

I was lost in the passion of our sweet embrace. I was lost, and I never wanted to be found.

But the wonderful pleasure ended all too soon, when Erik broke it off himself, tears in his mismatched eyes. He turned away from me, his shoulders heaving, his breath coming in sharp gasps. And he addressed Raoul.

"Take her and leave, go with my blessing. Leave me here. Don't let the mob find you." He spoke each word as if it caused him immense pain. He turned back and took my hand, never meeting my eyes, slipping onto my finger the plain gold band I had so foolishly lost those many months ago.

Raoul didn't need telling twice. No sooner were the words out of Erik's mouth, then he was tugging on my arm, making impatient little noises as I wrenched from his grasp to receive Erik's ring.

"Forget me."

"No! Erik-" I began to protest, but before I knew what was happening, Raoul had dragged us all the way out of Erik's home and to the edge of the underground lake. _No,_ my mind said_, This isn't how it's supposed to be!_

"Raoul!" I cried.

"What Christine?" He asked exasperatedly.

"Raoul, Let me go back, I need to say goodbye."

"I don't think that's a very good Idea. What if he changes his mind?"

_If only he would_, I thought.

"Please, Raoul, if you love me. Please?" I pleaded.

"Oh, very well!" He ceded annoyedly. "But hurry, that mob could be here any minute."

I didn't reply, but hurried back to Erik's home what if he didn't want me anymore? I knew that couldn't be true. One thing I could never doubt was Erik's love. _Maybe it's just better this way, with Raoul,_ a part of me nagged. _No! You love Erik; he needs you!_ A smaller part of my brain insisted.

As I reached the spot I had left him, my mind reached a coclusion: Who could contend with Erik's will? If this is what he thought best, I could never convince him otherwise, much though I longed to.

Instead of putting on a proud façade, as he had when I had left him, I found Erik crumpled on the floor, weeping, muttering something about masks and sobbing my name. It was a sight I would never forget, my strong Angel of Music, wings broken, reduced to tears… over me.

Silently I crossed to him and lightly touched his shoulder. He did not look up. The man I loved could not bear to look at me. I knelt beside him and took his hands in mine. The coldness of his touch did not startle me anymore. Instead, I felt a sudden urge to be the one to take the coldness from his graceful fingers. I wanted to add warmth to his hands and to his life, that life which had been so cold and lonely it pained me even to think on it.

Unable to speak, I took the ring from my finger and placed it in his hand. As I rose, I cupped my hand over his deformed cheek and lifted his head. Finally, he met my eyes. I saw grief that could never be described in words, or even in music. Those mismatched, pleading eyes, shining with emotion, begging not to abandon him, not to leave him all alone.

I almost broke my resolve then. I came so close to giving up Raoul and throwing my arms about Erik's neck. But I remembered how desperately Erik had sent me away, and held myself in check.

Not before my eyes filled with tears at the thought of leaving him, however.

After an eternity of warring with myself, I managed to tear my eyes from his and withdraw my hand. I walked slowly and resolutely toward the door, yet with each step my feet felt like lead. At the sound of his voice I froze, my arms clinging to either side of the threshold.

His voice, one of his most marvelous instruments, which could be angry, joyous, seductive, reassuring, or any number of emotions at the drop of a hat. Now, however, his voice contained nothing but despair, full of pain and unspeakable anguish, pitifully heartrending. His music was the outlet for his emotion, and he channeled all his emotion into what he sang then:

"Christine, I love you."

That one painfully simple phrase undid me completely. I couldn't do it; it was too hard. All in a flash I was at his side, babbling desperately.

"I can't do it! I can't do it! Please! Please, Erik, don't make me leave. I want to stay with you!" My cries trailed off, and I looked up at his face, still unmasked.

I caught a glimpse of his eyes, ecstatic yet strangely fearful, before the expression changed.

The change in him was almost frightening to witness. One moment he had been a man, broken and weeping at my feet, now he was once again the proud Dark Angel, ready once more to protect that which he loved.

Silently he extended a hand to me, his gaze questioning. I took it without hesitation. The words he spoke to me were brief and disappointingly impersonal.

"The mob is nearing. We shall discuss this later."

I had forgotten the mob. The emotional turmoil of the past few minutes had driven it completely out of my head. Now I could hear them clearly, frighteningly near.

My hand still in his, he led me over to the secret door which hid my bedroom and opened it. This was where we were to hide.

"But Erik, won't someone trip the mechanism."

"No." He said simply, as he closed the door, and darkness overcame us.

*****

The inky blackness was absolute. I was not frightened of it, no. Erik had taught me long ago that he was the only thing which lurked in the darkness, and that I never need fear him.

It did, however, create an air of unreality. Things were not always as they appeared in broad daylight, and nothing appeared as anything in the dark. For all I could tell, I was standing on a tiny island, only big enough for my feet, and that any movement could send me tumbling into an abyss. Or I could be onstage being watched by a thousand eyes. The eyes of an audience? Or of something else?

Things became distorted in the darkness. I might see things that may or may not be there. Floating orbs of light, figments of a hopeful imagination wanting to create light where there is none. The feeling of being in complete darkness is a sort of detatchment from oneself, being on a different plane than you really are, perceiving things that aren't there, ignorant of things that are.

The only things that kept me anchored to reality were the pressure of Erik's hand, and the sound of my own breathing. I could not hear Erik's breathing, everything about his was absolutely silent. He had spent so many years being so careful, the stealth now came as naturally to him as his music. Years of living in the darkness below the Opera had also ranted him excellent vision and where I was blind in the dark he could probably see quite well.

"Come." He said softly, and I could feel a slight tug on my arm as he drew my hand with him. I would follow him anywhere, so when I was compelled to walk forward in the blackness, I placed my trust in him. Needless to say, the ground did _not_ give way beneath my feet and send me tumbling into a void.

He led me to what I knew to be a small sofa in my room, saying "Sit." He sat a few feet away on what could only have been the other end of the couch, intentionally putting distance between us, something I didn't much care for.

We sat in silence for a few minutes when suddenly sounds of shouting and many people running began to come from the next room.

"Oh Erik! I'm frightened!" I breathed, and scooted to his side of the couch.

When we touched he stiffened, unsure of what to do. Eventually he relaxed and put his arms around me.

"Shhh," He said quietly in a soothing voice. "Go do sleep, child. They'll be gone in the morning"

Oh, what a sense of warmth and security washed over me at the sound of his beautiful voice. It dulled the sounds of the mob and I snuggled close to his chest, my anchor of safety.

I inhaled the loveliest smell of roses I could only assume emanated from him. I had once told Raoul that Erik smelled of death. How could I ever have thought that of this man who is so dear to me?

As if laying against the man I loved most wasn't comforting enough, he began humming. It was very soft, we both still feared the mob, but it lulled me to sleep very quickly, my ear pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat and the resonance of the hum in his chest. The last thing I remember is the ever present vocal student in me inwardly remarking upon how diaphragmatic his breathing was.

I quicly fell asleep, my dreams haunted by little red demons dancing around, ripping up little red scores of music and tossing them into a great bonfire, until a great Black Angel came and sang so sweetly that all the red demons turned into a great flock of white doves and flew away.

*****

When I awoke later I found myself alone. I was still on the couch and was covered with a light blanket.

When I found I was still wearing the beautiful wedding dress, I changed into a simple blue gown and laid the wedding dress out across my bed; I would have to remember to iron it later.

When I stepped out of my bedroom I was horrified by the destruction the mob had wreaked upon the house. Surely this degree of violence couldn't have been caused by people, could it? It seemed more as if a pack of wild animals had paraded through.

Furniture was everywhere. The wall hangings had been torn down and the oak paneling beneath had been viciously slashed and various obscenities carved into the wood.

I found Erik in the wreck of a sitting room, seated on the floor, holding a broken violin. It was with a huge pang of guilt that I remembered I had been the cuase of his sadness, the destruction of his home, and all his possessions.

So absorbed was he that he didn't even notice me enter. I gave a small cough, and he started out of his reverie. He rose and turned toward me, and gave me a sort of sad smile.

"Good evening, my dear."

"Is it evening already? Oh, then I've slept a long time."

"Yes, they left some time ago." We both knew who "they" were. "I see you've changed out of the wedding dress."

"Yes, but hopefully not for long."

The precious spark of hope in his eyes died at the next words.

"Ah, yes. I need to speak with you about that." He looked up at me, and I moved my head slightly to indicate that he should continue.

"Christine, I sent you away. I let your precious little Vicomte go. Why didn't' you leave with him?"

"I'm not quite sure of that myself, Erik. The kiss was… a bribe. You knew that, didn't you?"

He nodded disappointedly.

"It was a bribe, at first. In my head all I wanted was to leave with Raoul, and I figured the kiss was the way to go. But then, when out lips touched, it changed. Didn't you feel it?"

"Yes," he said. "I felt it."

"When I felt it, I couldn't quite remember why I had wanted to go with Roul so badly, o why I had ever wanted to be anywhere by with you. Then you sent me away, and I thought you didn't want me anymore."

"No, Christine. Never think that!" He said vehemently.

"My head was so muddled, I didn't know what to think."

We were both silent for a few moments.

"Erik, why did you send me away?"

"I thought so many things. I thought it was what you wanted, of course. I knew you were not down here by choice. I though, as I still do, that you could learn to love me, that in time you would be able to reciprocate my feelings. But then, when we…. Kissed, I realized the extent to which you wished to leave, so much so that you could bring yourself to kiss…. this." He gestured to his face. "I realized that the only only love you could feel toward me was out of pity. How could I claim to love you when I was keeping you here against your will, imprisoned with a monster?"

I made a little noise, but Erik held up his hand, silencing me.

"We are two different creatures, you and I. You belong up there in the light, socializing and laughing. I… Well, if don't belong here, the darkness at least gives me the peace I long for. I couldn't keep you here, you would wither. You need sunlight to live, something I cannot give you. If you stayed here, you would die."

I walked toward him and knelt by his stool, taking his hands in mine, and looking into his anguished eyes.

"Erik, I would rather die than live without you."

"Christine-"

"No, Erik, let me finish. It would only be as you say if I were alone. I can only imagine how lonely you must have been down here all alone. It wouldn't' be like that, as long as we are together. I can't begin to fathom how cold your life must be. Please, let me be the one to show you it doesn't have to be that way forever."

He looked up at me suddenly, anger flashing in his eyes. He rose and began to pace.

"Yes! There it is! It's pity! You would stay with me out of pity, kiss me out of pity! The only emotions I can invoke in anyone, hatred, fear and pity. If that's all you have to offer me, Christine, then you can leave. I don't want your pity."

His words stung, and my eyes brimmed with tears.

"Erik, what must I do to show you that I really do love you? Of course you know the power of your voice, and it is a blatant lie to say that you invoke nothing but fear, hate, and pity! And it isn't just your voice either. Your very being exudes power and strength. You have no idea how attractive you are."

He paused in his pacing and looked at me with such an odd expression that I almost started laughing, but I continued.

"Your actions speak for themselves. Look at all you have given me. You've expanded my mind! I read all the time now. I never used to read before. You've worked wonders with my voice, not just pitch but emotion. I've felt things with you that I never thought I could feel. Not simply a little-girl devotion to my Angel of Music, but love… desire. I've never felt desire for Raoul. That kiss… I've never felt anything like it! It made me realize that all the times I feared you, it was never your face or even your temper that I feared, it was your passion! I resorted to Raoul's friendship and called it love because the emotions I sensed in you were too intense. I couldn't hand'e them, and Raoul was so safe, nothing was unlike what it seemed with him. I think… I think I grew up tonight."

By the end of this there were tears streaming down Erik's face.

"Can you really be telling me the truth? Can you truly love me?"

I lifted my hand and traced it along his jaw. He closed his eyes and shuddered.

"You've known so much cruelty, you could never think I would show you anything else."

I placed a soft kiss upon his forehead, then whispered into his ear. "You know, this is going to be very difficult with the mask on."

I reached up to remove it, then paused, waiting for his reponse. He didn't move, so I continued to remove it.

When it was off I beamed up at him, and he gave me a small smile back.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, kissing with me with a passion that nearly rivaled the previous one. I returned the kiss full force, and we spent several minutes in this way, enjoying each other's… company.

When we finally broke apart I took a few steps back, the shining joy in my eyes mirroring his. Then I did something very unexpected. I giggled. I giggled like a naughty little child, a naughty little child who has done something very bad, and has enjoyed it very much.

My giggle soon turned into a full-fledged laugh. I felt so foolish, but I couldn't help myself, it felt so right. Erik looked at me in bewilderment for a few moments, but slowly he too began to chuckle, and then to laugh. Not the terrible laugh of the Phantom, but the laugh of someone who is truly happy. His laugh was so beautiful, deep and rich.

When we finally stopped laughing, we were both on the floor, tears coming out of our eyes.

"Oh, Christine," he said at long last. "I can't remember the last time I laughed. Or the last time there was anything to be happy about."

Choosing to ignore the tragic truth of that statement, I responded, "Nevertheless, Erik, I can tell you when the next time will be. Right now!" And I planted another kiss on his scarred lips.


End file.
